My desire is to be largely anonymous and as such, I do not want to say a lot about my identity. My goal in this journal is to explore and expose my inner dialog. Here are some facts about me. I was 51 when this journal was started, and I'm now 56 ('09). I have three children from two marriages, two boys from the first and a daughter from the second. Q is 26, M is 22, and B (sometimes N) is 13. I've left my marriage with X (sometimes K and L) and I am in a relationship with and then I was in a 20 month relationship with C, until that recently ended. The last few years have been up and down as I have struggled through what appears to be an awakening process. I have found the process of writing this journal to be enlivening and helpful on my path. It has also become a bit of an artistic expression for me.
A poem from an entry of a few years back ----------------------------------------
Cracks in God
Walking on the beach, considering Considering I can’t remember what The sand crunching under my feet, Warm sun on face, arms, the comforting Sound of waves. Fresh air filling Nostrils with salt air. Walking across the nesting ground Smooth sand in patches several steps Across, I walk over the mini dunes, Ripples in the surface. Short green stalks Hold the ground forming the dunes. How can life be so tenacious? I wonder at the prefect-ness of this At how prefect life is, how can this be? Accepting this as true, I look anew Nothing I see is countable nothing is one or two, But, all is one, there is no me, not bird No plant, not grain of sand Just transitions, translating transformations The eyes see, the sun is warm, nostrils flair Breathing in the sweet odor of Life that fills the lungs It enters here in what I call awake, because I have not other words. Awake is too small for that entry It shows me the perfect whole In that whole I am a ripple, A flaw, a crack, Holding form just as the Mini-dunes I stride over. How? How could this be? Mind throws up possibilities, The answer is always yes. Yes, just because, Yes, experience is wanted Yes, God said Yes, God asked. Yes, desire Yes, yes, yes. Maybe, ... its just a crack.