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temporality [Nov. 20th, 2009|09:43 am]
In Buddhism they talk about impermanence.

This morning I watched a cloud outside my window as the sun rose. It sat there taking its chunk of sky. Seemingly as real as the trees, the sun that shone on it, or me. I noticed then that it moved, slipping past the window frame. A few minutes later it was gone but the sky that had been clear around it shifted into cloud, but not coming from somewhere, but just forming as the morning sun changed the temperature in and around that place in the sky.

Was it really there? Am I really here?

The usual response to this question is to assert our existence, even our permanence. Would god-if-there-is-a-god notice us anymore than she would the cloud?

In the case of the cloud it seems natural dismiss its reality -- except at a distance. Where does the cloud start or end, when did it come into being or leave.

Where am I in the spectrum of being?
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June 2003 == 2004, 2009 [Nov. 15th, 2009|02:46 pm]
I moved recently and while unpacking I picked up an old paper journal and took a look at it a bit ago. I start reading and see so many of the issues I still deal with. Its not the same, but it has echoes.

6-3-03

I've been thinking a lot, Sometimes about what I'm not sure. Infinity -- I suppose, but really about God if there is a god, or not a god. [I wonder if this was the first time I named god this way?]

I've been engaged in a monologue of sorts. In this monologue I keep looking for realitly -- image of long hall w/many doors ala Matrix ala Hesse. [not sure what I was thinking calling this a monologue, except that it was an internal conversation.]

Each room has some new view on reality. Each view a partial take on truth. Each truth incomplete.

I keep seeing hat self-reference always introduces paradox! Self-reference and infinity.

I wonder if Gödel first understood the problem of self-reference in human relations terms before applying it to sets?



This is was profound time for me, when my world view started braking down.


The world is full of holes.
My life and my being is full of holes.
I despair about the pain of loss.

My daughter cries because her knee hurts where she scraped it and because the band aid is big and ugly and makes its presence felt so that she can't really forget it.

She cries for me to stay or take her, but I leave her at school in despair because I don't really know what else to do! I am feee and so it does not pain me -- I don't need to deny it but still I don't know how to comfort her. She fears loss -- like we all fear loss.

"We are all in denial about the pain of childhood I tell L." This after she tells me "childhood is suppose to be a great time, but ..."


I turned into to a poem. [I have a feeling I transcribed this poem once before, but who knows and the past in LJ is mostly lost.]


I cried this morning


My daughter cried this morning.
Not tears but torrents.
It came in squalls and screams.
Real despair -- band aids are uncomfortable
Uncomfortable and Ugly.
My sons would not have this problem.
A shield of honor -- real pride.
It was Devistation really -- a complete failure
A failure of the parent.
Her perfect faith in me eroded
The tears a flood down some
ravine of the soul.
Washing away the illusion
the illusion that we are safe
that daddy can always protect
and fix
and make right

I left her to cry --
oh I comforted --
but
There is no band aid to cover this wound.

-- I cried this morning.



Some spillage about things going poorly with the one that is now the X. A bunch really. This is when we should have ended but we went on for four more years.

OK one more poem from June 2003. This one about spiritual epiphany.

Perfect compassion, Buddha filling the jug.
   Perfect compassion
      Filling a bottle of water.

Unknowing
   Unknowing if it will fill.
Acceptance
   Acceptance, perfectly.

Each seeks the joy.
   The joy of being held perfectly.

I know safety.

The lid comes off.
   I fill.

"Oh look!  See your bottle was full!"
"You just needed to take the lid off."


my daughter has taken to calling me "brother," like a brother in the hood. I tell her I'm not her "brother," but it has little affect.

Peace out.
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$117..42 [Nov. 14th, 2009|11:54 am]
That's how much I left behind 20 years ago or more. http://scoweb.sco.ca.gov/UCP/

I would suppose more or all states have their own such web site.
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the only sin is fear [Nov. 14th, 2009|10:22 am]
This theme keeps turning over in my head. I think all the evil, not that I believe in evil in any ordinary sense, is rooted in fear. Fear of loss, fear of pain, fear or betrayal. It also occurs to me that I've been thinking about this for 40 years. When I was 16 or 17 I wanted to be a psychologist and I thought I would right a book about fear being the root of all pain. Maybe I still will write it, but it gets less likely with each passing day.

what is the "fear of god," but that awareness that if truly held would hold out all fear because to fear anything else would be to lack faith in god.

we all live lives full of fear. we all sin, we all fall short of the glory of god. and yet just as surely we are god, or as some minds prefer god resides in us and we in her. (btw, to hold to either view and reject the other is just another denial of god.)

though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear ... not. for god is my shepherd

I continue to be locked up in fear in so many ways. I'm in fear of living fully in passion. and strangely it is fear of hurting those I love that keeps me there and yet I manage to hurt them all the time. sons and daughters, and lovers.

I'll hold this in front of me to day, or make a fool of myself trying.

Yes, today I feel the pain of hurting those I love, even though I'm doing my damnedest to love them all.


I looked for images of the valley of the shadow of death and all I found was the triviality with which we so often see god -- the audacity to believe we can name her. In any case I like this image. I hope they don't block it.



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droid [Nov. 7th, 2009|02:54 am]
From my new droid.
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coaches assignment [Nov. 4th, 2009|08:42 pm]

First, my of my favorite LJ is [info]zenjohn.  Read if you like poetry or Zen, or conflict with substance abuse.

I am being coached as part of my coaching training.  What follows is the result of last sessions homework.
What am I about -- 11/1/2009 Through 11/3/2009

This is about reflecting on my coaching, the notes below were typed while being coached, and my not reflect what was actually said or be coherent.

Italics are from notes on 10/22
what is the emotional connection to myself that sustains my connection to the universe.
this leaves me a little empty, I'm not sure what it means.  is there such a thing?  

I was on overwhelm that day, in the middle of my move, in conflict with my lover, worried about money.  I want to answer that there is no such emotional connection, but I suspect I'm just missing the point.  

If I ask "what connects me to the universe" rather than "what is the emotional connection" then there is some traction in me.  Connection to the universe comes from the center of me.  I locate it sometimes in my heart, sometimes it is a pole running down the center of me.  Sometime it is in my groin, and other times in my head.  After looking for it like I just did it is in every pore breathing in and out.  

It is a good feeling when I feel emotionally connected to the people in my life.   

you're not emotionally connected. chaos is a mask attracted to crossing boundaries.

I'm not sure what these meant.  



what am I passionate about, what boundaries do I want to cross.

I'm passionate about being connected to people.  I feel most alive when I make an intimate connection with someone.  This is something I like about coaching, it gives me an intimate connection with the other. 

Intimacy is the boundary that I want to cross.  By this I mean, at least primarily, emotional and intellectual boundaries.  Nonetheless, the most exciting boundary to cross is sexual, as can and does for me include emotional and intellectual.  

N asked during the during this coaching what did it mean to me to cross boundaries, "did I want to hug everyone, or have sex with everyone."  I answered somewhere in between.  

I've been exploring the idea of poly relationships, but my partner is not interested and is not interested in any kind of open relationship.  I'm not in any particular place with this, except that I have a wandering eye, but I don't really have the energy to explore this and have no potential partners in any case.  


you are a creator -- create new ways of looking at things.

These are things N said near the end or our session.  It felt inspirational at the time, but I don't know what to create.  I have always had the sense that I look at things differently than most people.  I see the opposites in everything. C accuses me of not taking a position, but it does not feel that way to me.  It is clear to me that if one holds to a truth as absolute one comes eventually to its opposite, contradicting itself -- this works in the same way that ultra-liberal and ultra-conservatives can come to the same conclusions or even pass each other.

cross edges.  Apocalypse Now a reflection of who I am.  Gift of creation of crossing boundries and edges.
 

This is more of the wrap up with N.  For me Apocalypse Now is about going for truth at any cost.  And for some number of years this has been driving me, and has led me to the contradiction of holding A Truth as absolute. 

In this process I went from believer to non-believer, to realizing that holding to non-believing was the same as believing.  This pushed me into a deeply agnostic place and strangely opened me to a faith in what is.  This is very much where I feel I stand today.  A deep, abiding trust in what is, with no need to do anything, but also an understanding that action is required, and so that action might as well be that which gives me joy.  That which gives me joy is intimacy with others.


write about edges, what is the emotion that grounds me.  passion to cross boundaries.  what is the grounding emotion.

All of the above is an attempt to complete this assignment.  

The boundaries I want to cross are in the domain of intimacy.  I don't know however where the limits are, and I don't want to hurt my partner.  I have a passion for my relationship with her that continuously surprises me.  


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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2009|07:06 pm]
Something I worked on a few years ago.


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sperm & HIV [Oct. 29th, 2009|11:11 pm]
Sperm, and not just the fluid it bathes in, can transmit HIV to macrophages, T cells, and dendritic cells (DCs), report a team led by Ana Ceballos at the University of Buenos Aires in Argentina. By infecting DCs, which carry the virus and potently pass it to T cells, sperm may play a leading role in spreading HIV. The article appears in the November 23, 2009 issue of the Journal of Experimental Medicine (online October 26)

...


Interesting article, if it proves to be true one wonders if giving vasectomies to men with HIV AIDS would decrease the rate of transmission. (I'm not suggesting that anyone should force this.) The article does, however, say that men with vasectomies can transmit HIV, so it would not be a panacea.
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blame it on the alcohol [Oct. 14th, 2009|06:12 pm]


I've made it through most of this, its mesmerizing. Its funny, but sad.

Sadly I remember my father this drunk. I once got in the car with my father to protect him. He was so drunk he could hardly walk let alone drive. I believe to this day that I prevented him from running into the back of a cop. I was ten.
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Happy Halloween [Oct. 12th, 2009|07:28 pm]
Happy Halloween, nsfw



I love Diamanda Galás, but this is also great Halloween music.
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iPhone/Double Twist [Sep. 30th, 2009|06:55 am]


I got this here.

I hate iTunes so this will be great for me. I hate Apple Stores also. I don't really like Macs either. But I do love my iPhone when it is not dropping my call.
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the age of chicken little [Sep. 16th, 2009|06:41 am]
I was so taken with myself responding to [info]meus_ovatio's flu that I figure I should copy it here.



well it can't be too bad or you wouldn't be writing, let alone dancing.

a doctor [recently] pointed out to me that if students with the flu are concerned about their homework, its not that bad a flu.

have we all dodged another media bullet? are we in the age of chicken little?


With a bad flu you pretty much welcome the idea of death. "Sweet death take me, ... please."
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Marijuana Apples [Sep. 15th, 2009|02:36 pm]
Not really, but finding the genes that make THC could be the first step.

That's my idea for stopping the silliness of marijuana laws. Put THC into other plants. There is already the so call Etnobotanicals which will get you a buzz and ware off faster then pot. Supposedly Etnobotanicals are legal and don't show up on drug tests.
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back home [Sep. 13th, 2009|11:52 pm]
tired as shit. even with extra leg room flying on a plane just wears me out.
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NYC [Sep. 13th, 2009|01:42 pm]
C and I went to NYC for dinner and a play and to see her daughter. I had a four hour buisneess meeting and she is on the start on long buisiness trip. We got two go anywhere on JetBlue passes for month.

I love it here. I'm strarting bacck home in 15 minutes.

We say "God of Carnage" last night from the front row center last night. I was tempted to try and shake Jame G's hand on the stage at the end. He was that close.

We has dinner with famous friend's of C before the play. Had a great conversation. He only report for ABC news on the scene on 9/11. She is was at the UN during Carter admin. Neat people. I was u consciously rude to C at dinner which pissed her off, but we worked through it. C and I seemed to work though everything in timely way. I've never traveled with anyone as well as her. We just enjoy our company. It is a gift. I almost wish I could have only [e]yes1 for her.

rs

1. Edit, it is dangerous to make entries on the iPhone. eyes -> dyes 'cause I have stubby fingers.
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The Moldboard Plow [Sep. 8th, 2009|06:18 am]
The moldboard plow! Who would have thought Europeans were so dumb?


"The design of the moldboard plow is so obvious that it seems incredible that Europeans never thought of it. Until the Chinese-style plow was imported in the seventeenth century, farmers in France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, and other states labored to shove what amounted to a narrow slab of metal through the earth. 'The increased friction meant that huge multiple teams of oxen were required, whereas Chinese plows could make do with a single ox,' Temple explained. The European failure to think up the moldboard, according to science historian [Richard] Teresi, was 'as if Henry Ford designed the car without an accelerator, and you had to put the car in neutral, brake, and go under the hood to change speed. And then we did this for 2,000 years."


The friend whom I received this from asks: what “inefficient plow” is right in front of me?

I imagine that the Europeans were operating from a place of insufficiency that did not give them the head space to conceptualize new solutions to old problems. Or maybe they were just stupid, and something change.

The thing is I've been operating from that stupid place. I've allowed myself to be in overwhelmed the last four weeks or so, operating from deficiency rather than abundance. Well the truth is it does seem like I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. But I swear that four weeks ago I felt like like was abundant with limitless opportunity. Actually I felt like I would be OK no matter the circumstance, and then I started hoping for this abundance crap and got all fucked up around it. There is a fucking fine line between complete acceptance of what is and getting on the wagon to "its good and I want it to stay that way."

It seems like the moldboard plow should have been fucking obvious. But it wasn't. How long did it take homo sapiens to figure out they should plow? Why didn't we figure out that we could think about the world and then manipulate it much earlier? Did we change? Did aliens come down plant a new virus in our brains?

What am I missing about my own life. Lots of people tell me they know I can do this coaching thing I want to do and yet I keep getting my panties all twisted up about it. The truth is if I have one paying client by the end of this year my transition will have started. Why do I panic about the damn thing, why can't I be smooth about this. Fucking no one probably has created 20 coaching clients overnight. And even with that thought so clearly in front of me it is hard to let go of the anxiety.
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the problem [Sep. 4th, 2009|07:58 pm]
the problem with truth is that it resonates with every level of consciousness.
the problem with consciousness is that resonance is the indicator of truth.



---
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personalized cancer [Sep. 4th, 2009|07:41 pm]
Discovery leads to rapid mouse 'personalized trials' in breast cancer

There is an implication in this article which I think is quite astounding. Namely that cancers of the same tissue are different enough that we can show that they should respond differntially to the same treatment.

Hence, cancer is inherently more difficult to treat than all viral or bacterial diseases. I suspect very few people have come to understand this. We experienced it, but our belief is now confirmed by "objective" observation.
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Humor [Sep. 4th, 2009|07:27 pm]
The art of the unexpected.

Someone else has probably said it before, but that sums it up for me.
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White Alabama Terrorist [Sep. 4th, 2009|10:57 am]
What makes an white Alabama boy become a terrorist?




A week after the 9/11 attacks, a young Muslim at South Alabama University told the school's newspaper it was "difficult to believe a Muslim could have done this."

Now, eight years later, he is professing to launch attacks himself and calling on others to join the fight, as terror-related charges await him at home in Alabama, FOX News has learned exclusively.
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