| alone |
[May. 19th, 2012|08:38 am] |
So here I am, alone, and afraid. Afraid of being alone. Five days and I can’t think of anything but how to get fucked.
That is hard to write about.
I had a dream just before I woke this morning. There was some new girl in my life and I was explaining to her how when I find something someone says, usually someone close to me, says something that is outside of reality, some part of me believes then I can’t talk to this unreality directly, instead, I try to stretch it even further out of reality -- I suppose to open them to the absurdity of what they are saying. It does not feel like this is the most intimate way to approach this. Later.
I have NPR on in the background and they just interviewed the Never Fall Down. Very movng.
I have little of the clarity that I felt five years ago when I left my marriage. I miss C in a deeper way. Maybe this seems wronger, less necessary, more her than me. I’ve spent the last year becoming emotionally ready to make the transition at the same time that she was making major transitions -- selling and moving and feeling her own vulnerability in the world as she struggled to come to terms with business failure and the loss of the capitol that made her life easy. She sold one house and bought another much cheaper. Somewhere in this she decided that our ups and downs were a sign that we couldn’t make it -- I often felt the same way. But she decided we should wait for me to move in with her, really she was pushing me to make the choice to give up -- or so she seemed to say when it finally did blow up a few days ago.
See, my life has been coming apart for awhile. Lots of debt, lost work, declining health, inability to work and work and work. I’ve been working toward getting things together so I can declare bankruptcy. C has been an incredible support, but my shame has been a source of lots of our conflict. The 80 miles that separate or domiciles has been a primary source of stress. When we got back together six months ago, one of her promises was to change that on her side, but that lasted maybe a month and for my part coming up there in the evening once a week was very hard, and I did this much less than I hoped.
The dream was about the place where I hurt C. When she was say something about me or our relationship that said to me she did not get me, perhaps because of so many failed efforts to communicate directly, I would stretch the absurdity. Only C almost never got it. At the core I’m not feeling seen and I’m angry about it. At the beginning of the relationship she didn’t get me either, but I had just ended (or least hung out in non-being a lot) and nothing stuck and she found that amazing energy thrilling and forgave a lot. So I dig in my heels and stay in the absurd rather than try to find common ground. At those moments perhaps I knew there never was common ground and the instinct was to blow it up.
I owe her so much though, she has been so good to me. Even if it was in her manipulating ways. Becoming a coach is because of her. Even though the inspirations have been shown to be less than the magic they seemed, they still have changed who I am.
So here I am alone and maybe I’ll be OK.
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| light from the vacuum |
[Nov. 20th, 2011|05:16 pm] |
So they have made light from the vacuum. Well they didn't make it that captured it.
A little Maxwell's ghost like. But no violation of entropy here.
A little too much quantum reality though. I've been reading a book by that title, Quantum Reality, that has me thinking a lot about it. Well, a lot since a few years ago.
Its a shame that I've never made myself really study the math -- or finish studying it. Not that I think so much of myself that I really believe I could have contributed, but I'd like to think about it more deeply.
But light from the vacuum does seems a suitable metaphor spiritual awakening. Wisdom beyond experience. Manifestation of whatever. Fits well with the imaginings around the idea.
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I've been having dreams where I manifest grace. I don't really remember the dreams but I have the memory. I'm referring to a spiritual grace -- something beyond "the ballet dancers floated across the stage with enviable grace." This grace is a healing grace, a giving grace, that comes unbidden, that manifests out of need from the vacuum -- the nothing -- inside. I am witness, not creator, but it comes from me, enabled by moving close to the speed of love.
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Perhaps a spiritual physics looks a little like this. Truth is a constant, but always just out of reach. To know Truth would require infinite energy -- which would be infinite computation. Compassion is worm hole from Truth into the universe, from emptiness to wholeness. Fear is a vortex of emptiness that binds and hides Truth.
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My life right now seems trapped. I'm caught in a financial bind caused by my lack of frugality and trying make woman happy. It keeps me from coaching for a living. Instead, I write software for a living. But one way or the other this will only last a couple more years -- either my ship comes in or I declare bankruptcy. Then I coach.
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I have a great relationship with the freedom to be whatever I can be. My daughter finishes high school -- and then I only need to help get her through college.
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It is time to start manifesting. |
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| Insight Prison Project |
[May. 14th, 2011|10:05 am] |
This last week I did an amazing facilitator training at IPP for the VOEG, Victim Offender Education Group, program. This is a Restorative Justice Program.
I don't know exactly what to say about it. It is one of those experiences that changes one though. I am changed.
The highlight for sure was spending the day in San Quentin Prison with 20 or so Men in Blue, in this case all lifers with the possibility of parole. (The men refer to themselves as Men in Blue. Their prison uniform is light blue.)
The program facilitates these men taking extreme (no other notion is appropriate) responsibility for their crime. The men introduce themselves as Jimmy Smith, I murdered Jane Jones by strangulation, etc. In this program they don't hide behind euphemisms for their crimes.
The significant thing is that the men that have completed this program are living transformed lives, operating at incredible level of emotional maturity. This is visible in how they dealt with us and each other. There may be nothing more humbling that being with hard men operating from open hearts.
The program has been operating for seven years now, and these men report that it is instrumental not only in transforming their lives, but in changing the entire experience of the inmates in the prison.
One of our co-facilitators, Patrick Mims, was one of these men until two years ago. Pat is like a diamond, clear, real, dynamic, loving, world changing, and the same for the other men I met last Wednesday. These men, in or out of prison, will change the world for the better.
The group of folks taking the training with me were the most diverse group of folks I've ever had the honor of spending a week with. We ranged form early 20s to perhaps seventy, white, black, brown. Each of us came for our own reasons, with about half involved in the correctional system. To learn to facilitate the training we had to partake of its elements we shared intimacies never shared before from attempted murder to lies that betrayed a friend. Tears shed by all.
The most endearing scene was our oldest participant a 70ish middle class white woman sitting with a former gang banger at our lunch that day in the prison sharing stories and pictures of his life. The two of them getting to know each other was unbelievably sweet.
I don't know exactly how I will carry this work forward, but I will. It will show up in my coaching and in my men's work without doubt. But there is more, just don't know what it is yet. |
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| Audio/Video Podcasts |
[Apr. 18th, 2011|03:24 pm] |
Hey are there any radio/tv shows (that are available as podcasts) or audio/video podcasts that are not broadcast that any of you enjoy?
I'm looking for good content for an app for delivering content I'm working on.
I have the NPR stuff and some of the major networks. I don't know the AM radio space, so I'd appreciate recommendations there. I'm looking for stuff that has reasonable viewership, stuff people are likely to know about. Any domain would be OK: arts, music, sports, politics, tech, legal, health (physical, mental, etc.), marketing, current trends, etc. |
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| deepwater-horizon-bacteria |
[Mar. 4th, 2011|07:05 pm] |
I wonder if the science of biology will get a major boost as a result of studying the impluse response of this event.
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| Imagine |
[Jan. 7th, 2011|08:36 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Imagine, John Lennon | ] |
The app I'm working on at the moment, voice control of digital media, is playing Imagine.
[It has been a long time since I have posted: busy, distracted, less interested, loss of focus, etc., etc.]
I've been touched several times by this song recently.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Take a moment and reflect on what the song says.
I think most think of it as some wishful thinking, "I wish the world was a good place where no one would be hurt, ... one it which I don't have to change at all."
When actually it is a prescription for a better world. Just give up your god fantasy. Imagine no Heaven and lo and behold you will see that people are living for today. ...
[I'll catch up on me soon, I feel the itch to write and move on with my life returning. I'll be a grandfather within the month, life is not bad, but still has had ups and downs, and a very exciting opportunity on the work front, ...] |
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| back from the burn 2010 |
[Sep. 5th, 2010|09:00 am] |
Wow! Pictures will not tell much about the burn.
Next year I stay for the temple burn. Oh, and definately need an RV, the playa dust will come and when it does a tent just does not cut it.
See you there! |
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| burning man |
[Aug. 27th, 2010|10:15 pm] |
I'm going next Tuesday morning. Really looking forward to it.
I keep noticing that I'm not inspired to write -- so not.
I should get my CPCC in October. I've finished everything but the oral exam, which I do Sept 30!
It is now time to make it a business -- scares the shit out of me but I know I'll move forward with it.
I will be offering [free] coaching at Burning Man. I'm going to make a sign and put it up. And maybe I'll find other camps to hang out and offer coaching in also. At night, fun! |
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